Donnie, It's been one week now since you've passed away. It seems like just a minute ago I was looking at your smiling face...you kept smiling at us no matter how sick you were, no matter how bad you felt. It feels like this week never happened. It's so vague and a blur in my mind. I wake up in the middle of the night thinking about you...it feels like any second you could call me up and say "hey sis" in that way that only you say it when I answer the phone. I wish I could have heard it once more. I can remember it now...but I know like all things, the memory of what it sounds like is going to fade. I want to keep it, hold on to it forever. We are going to scatter some of your ashes this weekend. It will be me and James, John, Jessi, Little John, Kayla, and your two - Stephanie and Stephen. We will be getting a footstone, too, so we can put some of your ashes there and visit with you and talk to you. That makes me feel better - having a place to visit when I want to. I wonder what it's like for you now. You see us don't you? I feel like you're going to be watching over us - always the big brother who was looking out for me. I wonder if, in time, I will be able to feel you with me. I can't right now. All I can feel is an empty void - the place in my heart where you used to be. You're still there but it's not in the same way and I know it can't be like that again. I have your WVU pillow now. I know that was such a silly thing to pick out that belonged to you but it was the one you noticed me playing with every time I was there lately...squishing it in my hands. The one that feels like a beanbag. You said that it was for your neck but because of your sores you didn't want to mess it up. I've been hugging it since Jessi brought it to me today. It reminds me of the last few times I saw you outside the hospital...when you and James were sitting there talking about sports - football and MMA and whatever else it was and I was probably sitting there looking bored. I wasn't bored, though. I was just watching you. And just listening. I think I knew this would be soon and I wanted to soak it up. I was able to hear your voice again after though...it wasn't "hey sis" but our friend Monica (your friend, too) had a voicemail from you still on her phone. It was nice hearing it. It's been bittersweet looking at your photos. I hope you know we will all take good care of the kids. I'm sure you knew that...but I just wanted to put it out there. And please know that we were proud of you. That's not something that any of us think to say very often but I wish I would have. I am proud of you for being my big brother, I am proud of you for serving our country in the military, I am proud of you for being the best dad you knew how to be to your kids and I'm especially proud of how you faced being sick. You didn't let yourself get down and depressed. You lived your life enjoying it all the same as you did before - maybe a little moreso but you were so strong. I am so thankful you were in my life. I just wish it could have been a little longer. I'll love you always. Your sister forever, Donella